


Our Goodbyes

by JacksWild



Series: Letters [3]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Goodbye, Innuedo, Letters, M/M, Post War, ennui
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-26
Updated: 2017-03-26
Packaged: 2018-10-10 20:18:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10446549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JacksWild/pseuds/JacksWild
Summary: No one wrote the story that we live, we must write it as we go and hope it becomes a story worth reading in the end.





	

Hello,

It’s been a bit. I didn’t rightfully know how to respond to your last missive. You’re absolutely correct. I am a shite, I shouldn’t have ever assumed anything of the kind about you. I will add, that you’ve never done anything to dispel the idea that you are unloveable, or that you are a git; however, my first impressions mean nothing now. I know the story, or at the very minimum, much more of it. And I shouldn’t have misspoken so poorly.

I took your note: The Jolly Roger, aye? Well, that was… interesting. Might be that if I say I am interested in you spanking me – I don’t rightly mean I am interested in a random bloke laying a hand on me. Something of a shock when I damn near took his hand clean off. Apparently, as in most manners in my life, you are the exception in this as well. 

I am going on a trip soon. Only ‘Mione and Ron know. I don’t really want anyone to know. I want to disappear for a fair bit. I looked up the word Ennui, it does fit, rather well. Though… I would say that to be fair, it’s the utter feeling of loneliness or listlessness or uselessness or… vacancy. I’ve been groomed for half my life to kill a monster, the other half I was utterly nothing. Now, I am supposed to just… live. 

I don’t know how to. 

And I am bloody tired of living up to some standard or measure or idea that isn’t my own. Which sounds rather foolish, when I’ve no bloody idea, what I want for or of myself. I expected you to feel this way. But maybe you had some knowledge that you would survive the war. I didn’t. “Pig raised for slaughter.” That bit has always stuck with me, because you put into words the way that I had been feeling for a while up to then. As if you knew in that moment, how I felt for years. 

The irony of the entire situation, is that I was ready to give it all up, because a part of my mind knew that there wouldn’t be shite all to live for after. I mean yes, let us be completely honest, I was willing to die, because in my death I was aware that I would kill part of him, but the rational part, the part underneath it all, the selfish part, also was so bone weary and tired that I was okay with it. It would be an ending, I would see mum and dad… I would be able to breathe without so much, expectation. 

So bloody much expectation. 

I’m sure you’ve rolled your eyes no less than ten times while reading this. I don’t blame you. The Severus Snape that I know would scoff and scorn me for a fool. You always thought that I was for the spot light, or that I should take more responsibility. But whereas you are/were completely wrong about the first part, I don’t rightly know how to take responsibility now. What do I take responsibility for? I’ve killed the bloody monster, what the fuck is there left to do but live? How does one go about being a normal bloke after that? They don’t. They either disappear or they become an icon that must live by more expectation, more standards, more pedestals… I am bloody tired of pedestals.

So, I am going on a sojourn. That’s what it’s called. A journey, of self-reflection. I need to find just who I am. I am sure you’ve damn near rolled your eyes so far back you’ve had to use magic to bring them forward again. 

I won’t waste your time any longer.

Fare the well Professor.

HP

P.S. I don’t have to practice thinking about you during intimacy, seems rather a natural thing now. Don’t know what that means, but it’s something else I will think about while out there, in the void. 

P.S.S Your memories.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm dealing with a bit of a heart break right now. Divorce will do that to you, aye it will. My boys are going on my journey with me.


End file.
